28 March 2010


Stephen wrote a new song. It's amazing. Actually, he's written several recently. I really hope we are allowed to record some of his new songs. Such a wellspring of joy, my husband's music is to me! Here are some lyrics:

In the rafters of my heart
In the rafters of my heart
Your song, Your song,
Your song echoes loud
Your song, Your song,
Your song echoes loud
I've got
joy, joy, joy, joy, joy
I've got
joy, joy, joy, joy, joy

It continues on from there. But I don't remember the rest perfectly. And I doubt Stephen would be 100% pleased with me half-making up songs and pretending they're his... :)

Someday... But That's not Today.

Today, we're going to look at "strong willed" versus "obstinate." I think we need to relearn.

The words "strong"-"willed" literally should imply something positive. That someone has a will and also has the strength to back that will up until the willed-into-being action or thing has been completed. I wish I had a strong will. Much more frequently, I have the weakest of wills, and I don't do what I want to do, but instead do things I don't really want to do.

Obstinate, however, I certainly am. Obstinate is holding to something without reason. It's making every issue a hill you're willing to die on. I know there must be an aspect of that in me that could be used for good. What that could be, the Lord has not yet revealed to me.

The question is, how do I systematically soften my obstinacy while in turn strengthen my will (or will-power, if you prefer)? Any thoughts? I have no illumination in this other than things like eating foods one doesn't like and sticking to bedtimes and skipping dessert and only talking in turn and everything else that isn't fun.

The link [in the title] is to a Burial/Four Tet collab called "Moth." I like it. You don't have to. Love.

23 March 2010

[Psst, I need to tell you something]

God speaks to me. And let me tell you something else (that you may know already, or at least have a sneaking suspicion): God speaks to you as well. I'm not special.

But I cannot hold it in, that God wants, yearns for His kiddos to hear Him in His wholeness. He loves to speak through His logos, His beautiful Word. But He also loves to speak His rhema, His timely utterance. And I don't have the time or space or even fullness of understanding to explain it all.


God speaks to me. He tells me beautiful things and hard things and all of it is good. Sometimes He tells me things for other people and that is good, too. I haven't heard or seen anything crazy like some people have, but that doesn't mean the Lord isn't blessed by my hearing Him and obeying in spite of the risk it takes to see if what I heard really was from the Lord. I've said some stuff that sounds really dumb and weird but was just what the other person needed to hear. It's SUCH a good feeling. I haven't been 100% right, and that's fine. I'm just excited He talks to me at all. I certainly talk enough for the both of us. I just think maybe He has more worth saying. ;)

The link in the title is to a man's website whom I respect as someone who came from a background similar to mine and has come to embrace whatever the Holy Spirit wants to do to bring him and others to Jesus. I want to be like him because he's a lot more like Jesus than I currently am. :)

The one thing I want to caution you (though it's probably more for myself) is that, when we're learning to hear God's voice, it's very important that we keep our consciences alert: not sin. It has been my personal experience that it's hard to hear from God if one is distancing oneself from Him through disobedience. Enfin, all is love. He makes all things new.

19 March 2010

I'll Choose to sing Hallelujah

So. After 1.5 whole weeks of raising support full time, I think I've quit at least four times. I've cried at least three. I've told God exactly what I think of this whole process at least five. And I've been so discouraged, and I've been really blessed, too many times to count.

I can usually handle an emotional roller coaster pretty well, but it is really draining. Every phone call is a dip or a bump. Every meeting, the same, but more pronounced. But the Lord. He's so faithful in my total absence of belief. In my railing against Him and His immovable desire to give me what's best.

You are so good, Lord. I'm sorry I don't tell You more often.

What I've noticed more than anything is my own engulfing fear. Wow. I need healing. He is faithful to me. Love.

10 March 2010

Acts 10

So, I went to this conference called New Staff Training!

And it was really good. Mostly because I was around a lot of people who love Jesus and have similar callings, but also because God was really leading me gently. Jesus really is gentle and humble in spirit.

So one of the last things God was talking to me about was calling things unclean that He has made clean. And when I felt Him asking me to think about what I was calling unclean, my mind immediately started trying to find groups of people from whom I was shrinking back or distancing myself. I was trying really hard to figure it out, when God brought to mind my own thoughts earlier in the day. It was me!

There are parts of me I wish weren't the way they are; I wish I weren't so excitable because it makes me seem childish. I wish I weren't so impulsive because I can seem irresponsible. I wish I weren't so loud because I frequently talk too much. I wish I weren't a lot of things God put in me. But I need refining, not pruning, in these areas.

And it really isn't right of me to wish I weren't a way God made me. Because He doesn't make mistakes. I do sometimes get so worried that I'll cling to my personality and not let God change me (sometimes I irrationally fear He'll turn me into some sort of prototyped christian doll).

But really, I understand that that's not where I am. And I do allow myself to get wrapped up in wishing I were a lot of things I was never meant to be. And it's good for Him to tell me to stop it. :)

It all boils down to Him. Love.