29 July 2010

Jehovah Jireh

As far as I understand, this (the link in the title) is the only Bible reference to this name of the Lord. Honestly, I prefer this sort of context.
I don't want to just spout out that God will supply ___. Cause... Sometimes, it REALLY feels like He doesn't. Why did He have the IRS wait 6 months to give us our tax return? Why did He withhold a teaching job last year, only to have one offered this year, when I knew I couldn't take it? Why have our numbers not really moved forward in support raising, even though we are getting new partners? We will NEED to have family insurance raised in December. We could really use a paycheck for me, even a little one. Emotionally, I could use a paycheck; it's tiring to work hard and not get paid for it. Maybe it's God providing groundwork for being a mom.

I'm just... surmising. Trying to make sense out of a lot of things that haven't to me. I guess I'm not sure about what "kids" I'm withholding from the sacrificial altar. I want to be one who isn't blown about by circumstances of the moment and who doesn't feel betrayed every time it appears God isn't providing. In truth, we have had our daily bread. We just haven't received the blessings prayed over us by dear brothers and sisters. Sometimes, I'm 100% "WHAT GIVES, GOD?!?" and sometimes I'm just, "well, okay. the results are Your problem." I think that's the closest to healthy I get. And it's very pat to say something like: if God didn't give it, then it wouldn't have been a blessing anyway." But in our honest moments, who genuinely feels like that even most of the time? Not I. I wanted to be done by the beginning of the semester. And I don't see how it'd even be physically possible to raise a few thousand dollars in monthly recurring gifts in a month. I am willing to challenge the Lord to do it, but I don't think He will. I think God likes to do things the hard way. Isn't that kind of sad? I don't want my kids to learn things the hard way, and I don't even know their names.

At this point, I know I really need to reserve judgement until the Lord enlightens my eyes. But, ugh! That's hard! But I do feel confident that I will not be this way forever. Love.


  1. the "blown about by circumstances of the moment" verse reminded me of what you told me on sunday.

  2. love you, Michelle.

    I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia and throughout the entire series they make that catchy little phrase, "Well he's not a safe lion, but he's a good one."

    Which I always thought was C.S. Lewis being uber deep, but then in The Last Battle he turns it around and the Ape and the Taarkans use that same phrase to dupe the Narnians into believing in a false Aslan.

    1. I loved that C.S. Lewis took his own writing and saw how it could be twisted & formed into a cliche - and then wrote about it.

    2. It totally convicted me for even putting God's non-boxableness (....?) in a box, by pat phrases and the like.

    3. Your child/ren is/will be incredibly lucky to have you in their corner.