20 April 2011

Thin is Out.

I think it was the day after I had Ezra, and I had the opportunity to sleep on my stomach for the first time in like 5 months, and I was at the very least automatically ten pounds lighter (which doesn't sound like much, but you feel it in your bones). I told Stephen, "I never want to complain about my weight again!"

Because, well, truth: I get down on myself about the way I look. I'm sure that's not a shocking and foreign concept to most of us, male or female. I really hate that, too. I've even written about it before. At Joelle and David's wedding this weekend, I had the opportunity to "dance" (read: jump around manically) again, and it felt SO GOOD! I missed being able to actually move without all that weight sticking out on my stomach.

But already, I'm disappointed that I didn't meet my 6 week weight loss goal (though I haven't been doing too much about it, honestly, other than sporadic tummy tightening exercises and the rare walk). And I'm disappointed that I'm not closer to fitting into my old clothes. And I'm just disappointed in the way I look.

Who is NOT disappointed in the way they look? ISN'T THIS RIDICULOUS?!? Most of us look completely fabulous. And probably everyone reading this has at least one person who really loves them, no matter how much muffin top they sport.

In other areas I'm pretty good about not comparing myself to other girls. [if you're a guy reading this, I'll let you in on a little secret: most girls, when they go to the beach or the mall or wherever, spend a whoooole lot more time looking at other girls than looking at boys. Often, our appearance is more of an effort to conform into the society of other women than to attract you.] I think it's either from me feeling like I'm pretty great in an area, or I'm so hopelessly behind that it's not worth comparing.

But with thinness specifically (cause my face is pretty free of any real abnormalities; I feel pretty good about it), I have to consciously think to not feel good or bad about myself based on who's around me (I mean, vigilant. It's an automatic thing at this point).

And the weirdest part is how much I internalize it - no outward judging or jealousy, just either an "oh, I'm doing okay" or "man, I should look like that woman, but I don't. What is wrong with me?" This internalizing is a weird thing for me because I'm a very external person. It's also very frustrating to try an reason with myself that I don't have much business looking like an 18 year old freshman at 6 weeks postpartum. I wouldn't expect that of any woman I know. But me.

I've talked enough for now. I know this problem is a lot my fault and a lot my environment (America). I just NEED to get this under control if I'm going to work with college students and be in a college church long term. Cause college students don't get any older and, by and large, they don't have post-baby bodies. But I sure do, and I'll be 26 next month.

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