28 June 2011

New Mom Syndrome?

I'm not positive why, but I've been in a pretty sensitive mood today. I don't think it's "woman troubles, " but I guess that could be coming back (if so, LAME). It's probably a large mix of a hard, hard weekend, reading a beautiful book on grace-based parenting, and watching a couple of movies in the past couple weeks where a mother and very young child are separated. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

What would I do? Would I be able to let go of Ezra if it would somehow save his life? Would I survive if the best thing for Ezra was to go be with the Lord at a young age? Do I trust Him with this child? Practically, in real life, do I?

I now understand Jesus said the end days will be terrible for new moms. I thought I new before, but now I do. I know the Lord is so good, and Ezra is so safe with Him, but it is scary. Will I always feel this way? How could that work, with the pain associated with growing up? Surely this feeling will calm a little, right? Is it because he's helpless now? Or do you, as a mom, just get used to feeling this way about your kids? Or am I some sort of freakmom who doesn't know how to correctly view her child?

Surely this isn't how God feels about us? I mean, maybe sometimes. I don't know. For now, I'm going to nurse my son and go to bed with the prayer that the Lord would grow in me His love for E.

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