04 June 2011

Oh, a Year Ago.

Going to Mary's high school graduation got me thinking. I got to cheer for some of the students I'd met in previous years through substituting and volunteering at the high school. It was, honestly, bittersweet.

This time last year, I was being interviewed for the teaching position of my dreams. I could teach a subject I love to a group of students I (by and large) really, really enjoy. I already have rapport with many of them, and I was familiar with the program. It was ideal, more than I had hoped for. I hadn't even specifically applied for the position; they had my application for a different position already on file and called me.

This time last year, I was raising support to go on staff with GCM at Fellowship Church. It was one of the most difficult things I'd ever done, and I wasn't enjoying it one bit. It felt like the Lord had called me to do something just so He could make my life difficult. My progress was embarrassingly slow, with a lot of tedious work and not much reward.

This time last year, I was pregnant! I didn't know for certain yet (as of this date), but I was pretty sure.

My life hit a fork last year, and I chose the one I felt very strongly God leading me to. That doesn't mean it hasn't been difficult to give up. I honestly had to make myself stop worrying about the students - if their new teacher would treat and teach them well - and to stop dreaming about what I would have been teaching them.

I would never have wanted to give up the time I have with Ezra, and, when I think back to him being 6 weeks old, I really don't think I would have been able to leave him to go back to work anyway. I'm also very glad that we didn't have the extra salary coming in (forgive my honesty, but teachers in TX are paid more than I am) because it brought me closer to becoming free from the love of money and things. I am glad the Lord wrested things from me, even dreams of a nicer-looking home, financial security, and a fulfilling teaching career.

That doesn't mean my relationship with Him hasn't suffered; it definitely has. I've felt a lot of hurt towards Him. I've thought mean things about Him, honestly, like that He enjoys making my life difficult, or that He'll never give me one dream without taking another. I'm still working at trusting a God who is wild, who takes from me everything I can bear to give up to that moment. I know it's for my good and for His glory. and I know it's my decision, every time, to let circumstances alienate me or draw me nearer. I'm working on it.

The good news at the end of this wandering post is that the Lord and I are in a covenant relationship far more powerful and permanent than the one I am in with my husband (that one only lasts until death). God and I will be together forever. That adds a lot of stability, and gives me comfort. One measly year of a rough patch is nothing in the span of always. As surely as the sun arises, He will restore my soul.

Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." I will call upon You, Lord.

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