13 September 2011


I know you know. The worst things you've done in your life, the things for which you feel most shame, are not the things you've done by yourself in secret.

Oh, maybe they are. They just aren't for me. I don't wish I was the person I was before I let Jesus "take the wheel" so to speak (oh, let me use it), but I don't fear the person I was, like she's a zombie out to get me. I think my conversion experience (if you want to call it something, that's as good a phrase as any) was defined enough to free me from worrying that I'll ever slip back into my old rags.

I don't really even regret the things I did and allowed to be done to me. I feel very, very strongly that God is in the process of redeeming everything in my life. Every single thing. That all of it will actually work for my good. It sounds oddly boastful to say, and I'm not sure why, but I just believe it. Like my everyday life shows that I believe it. So I almost never mourn my past.

But oh, if only I could undo the damage I've done to others. Which is very great. I've... oh, I'm not going to list out things because it may shock people, and it brings me pain. But I have gleefully invited people into sin. Sins they hadn't tried before. Sins they were even reluctant to try at the outset. Sins some are still heavily entangled in. I've participated in the first steps down steep slopes for several people who are precious to God and who are not out of where I lead them. I did it. mea maxima culpa.

If tying a millstone around my neck and dropping me into the ocean would really, truly mean that they would instantly and irrevocably fall in love with Jesus, I think I would do it. But of course, it doesn't work that way. Oh, I wish it did.

Sometimes I get nervous about how it will go with me on the day of Judgment. I mean, I don't think my actions preclude my salvation. But how can there not be something, something that shows that I helped a lost soul run farther away from their moment of salvation? How can God's justice not be served on me? Is it weird that I want some form of punishment, just to release me?

I don't necessarily need doctrinal illumination at this point (but if you just have to, you can email me. It could prove useful). I just dread seeing these people on that day.

I know what it's like to have a child and to want him to lead a holy life because it keeps him from suffering more than he needs to. It keeps him from harming himself. And it brings him closer to the best Person I or he will ever meet. And I know exactly how I'd feel if '04Michelle showed up in his life when he was 17 and confused about how life works and what was important to him. I'd have more than words to say to that girl. I feel like a mama hippo protecting her baby from a crocodile (seriously, just writing about it raised my blood pressure and heart rate and made me... angry. I was angry about an impossible hypothetical situation). And the rub is, God loves these people I called my friends way, way more than I can possibly love Ezra. How can He look the other way when I did what I did?

Don't worry about me. I'm okay - I know God's grace and His sovereignty enough to know He's more powerful than my pitiful wickedness. I had ground myself into dust at the bottom of a deep pit, and He brought me into a spacious place and has given me joy. Such joy. Nothing is impossible for God - I see it in my life. I just don't know how it's gonna go down at the end so that I can finish this mourning for the consequences of my actions that others face. I know it will happen because there won't be any mourning in Heaven. I just can't picture being fully free from the knowledge that I engaged in evil. That I harmed others. And I did. And I can't take it back.


  1. Know that one of the people out here you think you invited reluctantly into sin does not see it that way. Nor do I look back on '04 Michelle and think badly of you. You were kind hearted and full of love even during that time.

    Please give this concept at least one minute of thought: How could God expect you to truly understand "good" if you've never truly known "bad"?

    Happy for your happiness now. :)

  2. Oh, I know there are lots of mitigating factors. I wasn't all bad or something (in fact, I don't think there are very many humans who are all bad. I think there may be a couple. But I've never been in a position to murder thousands of people, I guess.).
    It's just the same feeling of when I think about when I was little and I was mean to a boy on the playground. I said things that could really have left lasting harm. Or he could never have thought about it. That doesn't mean I was an awful 8 year old. It's just sad that you can't take anything back.
    And I very much agree with that concept. But I think (oh, I very much pray in regards to my little Ezra) that there are ways to know bad without having to wallow about in it. :)