Since we've been planning to adopt (or since I've been planning and Stephen's been praying, wink wink), there's been a shift in my heart. And not a good one.
Generally, my disposition is naturally self-confident. I never really worried (excluding a few bad nights) about being a good parent to E. And once he was here, it just felt so natural. I feel very comfortable that, no I'm not the best mom evvvar, but God gave Ezra to us with His blessing and knowing who we are.
For some reason (I think maybe because of the process of having to be approved by so many different agents), I don't feel that way. I wasn't afraid to have Ezra. Sometimes I was nervous because, let's face it, going from not-parent to parent is a huge, huge step. But I always felt confident about this being something I was "good enough" for because I had the Lord.
Apparently, I don't believe that applies this time. Which, rationally, is stupid. But I'm so afraid. I'm afraid we will be judged unworthy and we won't get to parent our child. I have cried many times in the face of this fear. It bullies me. The way I've coped with this fear is by placing myself under judgment. I think I believed that if I could scrutinize myself in the way I thought those who will scrutinize me in the future, I will achieve some sort of control over this situation. Even if it leaves me failing miserably and completely hopeless.
Well, this year is not going to be that way. I plead! So the word for this year is freedom. I was pretty good at freedom in years' past. I want to regain lost ground and grow more. There is always more freedom to be had in Jesus. It's easy to take on the yoke of responsibility for things that actually should be His. Raising funds for the adoption is actually not my burden. The yoke God has appointed for me is to walk with Him in obedience. If I take His steps for me day by day, He will raise the funds. I don't need to freak out about this. It's as out of my hands as when Ezra was being knit together in me. I can only fail. He can only work everything for our good because we are called according to His purposes.