I mean, of course I'm really just paraphrasing Paul. And I'm sure it's just human foolishness, but I just don't get it. Shouldn't I feel more holy? Heck, shouldn't I be more holy? I sometimes get glimpses of the sanctification that the Lord has done in the last, wow, almost 6 years, but most days, I really don't.
Now, I really dislike the term "backslidden" because (a) I doubt anyone without a christian background has any clue what that means (and jargon shuts people out and is also a bit of a marker for puff-up-ed-ness), and (b) I'm not convinced that that it is even really a thing. What I mean is I don't know where something like that can be supported as a new Testament phenomenon.
And anyway, I don't think I'm backslidden because I am still a disciple of Jesus. I guess it is partly that the road has become dramatically more difficult, and my flaws are much more obvious, and my sin has greater consequences. Let's face it; it was a lot easier to follow God as a single woman in college. That doesn't make me superior to single women in college. In some ways I think I was a much better disciple. But in other ways it was just a lot less noticeable when I was relying on myself and not the Holy Spirit. I can't do it now. Not even a little. And so I'm kind of terrible, all the time.
Don't try and like make me feel better. I'm not in a bad place. And if Paul got to say he was the worst of sinners in the Bible, I know I'm not way out of line for saying that I'm often pretty terrible at this whole righteousness thing. I'm sure that I will be able to look back and see where the Lord's hand is operating on me. That is so comforting. Perhaps that's it. I haven't been making the time to look back at the wonders the Lord has done in my life.
No joke, y'all, He has done miracles. Miracles. for me.