22 August 2012

This is not the post I'd want it to be

I'd really like to post on how excited I am that we're close to getting on the waiting list at the baby's home, and how ready I am to put my head down and start applying for grants and fundraising my socks off (anybody want to buy a pair of used socks? No?). But, although I am excited to get a number in my head (are we 15? 30? telllll meeeeeeeee), I am not at all excited to start really applying to grants.

It's not that I don't think it's worth it; it totally is. And it's not like I'm not grateful that there are funds out there dedicated to making orphans not be orphans anymore; I totally am. But this whole adoption process is invasive. Getting pregnant and having a baby requires no one to look at your finances - no one checks your last two years' tax returns before giving the go ahead to "try." No one needs to hear your testimony or to get references (6! no kidding!) before you go into labor. And it's just hard. It's hard to give the control of so much to people who have never met you. They're looking at pieces of paper in order to decide whether fundraising is going to go well or be amazingly difficult.

And it's just a bitter pill to swallow, to give to others the control over your family that you normally exercise. And it's really scary; I know some people don't understand how we live on what we do. It's totally fine that they don't - I really don't care usually - but they're using numbers to decide our future. It's a hard thing!

But it's times like this, when I sit down at the computer to copy/paste from previous answers another set of responses to faith-related questions, or when I do another "cash flow worksheet," that I'm reminded that the Holy Spirit is powerful. He moves in our hearts, and He can move the hearts of those looking at our papers. He can whisper in their hearts and move them to grant us funds. He is much more powerful than any words I write. He is much more in control than I am, and it's good in the hardest, most pride-crushing way. I like my pride, God! Just let me keep this little thing, this "We can make it on our own" kind of pride! PLEASE!!!!

*sigh* It's good. I do want to be more like Jesus. I mean, I want to want to be more like Jesus, you know? And even though I keep wanting to randomly cry about how not-in-control I am over things that are very, very important to me, I know that God is doing a work, and God makes beautiful things.

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