04 April 2013

Hi. My name is Michelle

And I'm addicted to sugar. Like, the-same-as-I-was-addicted-to-cigarettes addicted. If you've never been addicted to something other than food, you may think this is kind of silly. But I remember quitting smoking, and this is just like that.

[An aside: sometimes I feel like I'm airing out my dirty laundry on my blog, but, truth be told, food addiction is pretty tame laundry, even though it's wrapped in shame.]

You know, I limited myself to one or two cigarettes for months before I was able to completely kick the habit. Months. Miserable months. I just didn't know how to let go of that sweet, sweet nicotine. [Stephen laughed when I used that phrase earlier this evening. He just doesn't know.] Honestly, I was only able to quit because of the patch and a big reward for being smoke-free for a month. I still had a few slips since then.

I even tried a cigarette a while ago (it had been years since my last slip), and the hunger to smoke again returned, almost fiercely. Man, something in me is set to addiction mode.

So I really am that kind of addicted to sugar. The hide the goods, be controlled in all other areas, contain it as much as you can, that kind of addiction. It's open-and-shut; I need to get rid of this. I can't contain it. I don't have the self-control. I have to go cold turkey and be okay with maybe never being able to have sugar again. Oh sugar, I love you! How can I leave you?!? There is something wrong with me.

Jesus, here's my mess. I just can't even anymore.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Michelle,

    First of all, I found your blog through Makenzie's blog. So, "Hi!" I see you at church every now and again and we've been to the same events, but I have never had a deep discussion with you... Ah, the blog world...

    I recently realized that I am hard-core addicted to ice cream. I knew I had a sweet tooth and I knew most people did not eat a big bowl of ice cream every night with a ton of toppings (and the list of toppings that must be in the ice cream seemed to continue to grow). I didn't really think about it until recently, though, when I made the decision that for the health and well-being of myself and of any future children, I needed to lose weight. I very thoughtfully considered what is "healthy" foods. In the past, I have been able to make excuses for why ice cream was ok for me to have every night. But this time, ice cream solidly did not fit into any of my requirements for healthy eating. Because I have quite a bit of weight to lose in a somewhat short period of time, I needed to cut out anything that did not have a single qualifying factor. It was unreasonably upsetting to give up ice cream. I realized that I did not feel like I had a fulfilling day without ice cream. That's a problem! Even if I ate some other kind of dessert, I still "needed" ice cream. To be honest, I still have a long long long way to go. I did really good for a week. Then I went to weight watchers ice cream sandwiches, and they did it for another week, but I am back to my bowl of ice cream (right now, it's not as much... that's the justification I give myself...). I know that this is not good for me, but yet, my darn flesh...

    Jesus, help me!