Oh, I'm so boring these days. I mean to do updates on things: washing my hair without using shampoo, moving back to Texas after a summer in Colorado, Ezra, the start of the semester. But I have a really hard time mustering up the energy when I feel so maxed. I'm not actually busy; I mean, my husband is totally busy, and there are a number of events in the next few weeks that I need to work around for his schedule.
But (surely I'm not the only one? right? anybody?) when I get stressed out, it's like I can't do anything. Or absolutely anything seems overwhelming. I forget to do basic things (like cook dinner), and even the thought of texting someone I really enjoy feels like too much.
So, we got little H's blood work back, a current picture, and her parental status. Good and bad and good but still a leap of faith. I think a good bit of the stress is that Stephen hasn't made up his mind that this is what we should do. I cannot imagine being the type of person who calmly mulls a huge decision over in the course of a week. It sounds amazing and horrible. How do you wait that long to do ANYTHING? How do you stay calm about something that will change your life? Like "choosing" a child? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?!? [Introverts, if you want to take a pause to distance yourself from my hare-like mania, now's an appropriate time. Stephen does it too, and it doesn't offend me.]
I absolutely do appreciate that I'm partnered with someone who does not just decide to plow through life like he's being chased by a tiger. But being "in the decision-making process" feels like the TIGER IS GOING TO GET US HURRY RUUUUUUUUUNNN!
[Please don't read that Stephen and I are in a fight; we totally are not even a little. This is just what it's like to be balanced by your spouse in an area where you're both way off-center.] I know for a fact Stephen often feels like we make decisions precipitously. But we like never ever do; we just have to decide SOMETHING at SOME point. So we make a good, but very uncomfortable, team.
Also, the thought of all the paperwork we will need to do when we do decide is SO overwhelming because I have to request several documents all over again, have them translated (which I'm not sure I can do myself, and I'm not sure how much it will cost), and have them notarized, AND THEN have them apostilled (notarizing on steroids).
All at the beginning of the Fall semester, so like the busiest month of our entire year.
Truth be told, once the decision is made, I will have a fire lit under my bum that burns so ardently for my daughter that I'll show these documents who's Mom in this house and they won't even know who retrieved them and had them translated and notarized and apostilled. But we're not there yet, so I'm deflated and tired and stressed out to the point of being nearly immobilized. Really, it's only my belief that I'd have to have some other quirks and shortcomings that keeps me from getting irritated at God for giving me this personality. I certainly wouldn't rather be Stephen. He works so hard!