15 October 2013

How I am

So, you know when something happens, and you surprise yourself, and then you think, "self, you should know this about you by now."? Is that a thing other people do? It is, right?

I tend to think of myself as someone who handles her emotions. I can be pretty volatile, so I have lots of opportunities to train in processing emotions without them taking the wheel and driving me into a ditch or running people over or something. [letting your emotions drive never ends well, amiright?]

But when I get a really big emotion, a big sad one, I don't handle it. I don't know how. It's so big it's scary, so I lock my heart up and tell it to be quiet because I don't know what will happen if I do let it out.

Truth is, I'm super scared for little H. And I'm super scared I'm going to lose her. With a quavering voice, I have called her "daughter" in my heart. My arms are already stretched out to receive her. And if the Congo closes, there won't be anyone behind us to adopt her. In 2006, 95% of the Congolese population lived on less than $2 per day. Two dollars. I struggle to feed our family what I want to feed them on $12! And that's just food! The Congolese do not have the resources to care for Helen. To keep her alive.

Yesterday, my feelings finally got control of the wheel enough to force me to deal with them. And God was kind enough to give me a picture of what my heart looks like right now. I won't share it with you because it was kind of graphic. It was kind of Him because He validated that I wasn't being histrionic; it makes sense that my heart would be crushed for these children who are just like mine.

So, really, I'm not great, but that's okay. Please be praying for the children (and nation) of the Congo.

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