First of all, y'all, my dining table is so messy right now. I would have put a picture up, but some of my friends are really tidy and would probably be grossed out actually seeing that I sometimes don't even put lunch dishes away until snack time. Just imagine there are two half-gnawed carrots like three inches away from this computer I'm typing on. [bc there definitely are.]
BUT I needed to at least start this post. Making space for me to be able to sit and think about things that aren't practical (in the making-our-house-run sense) is really difficult right now. I realized this morning I have a real problem with my job description.
Or, really, I have a problem with my understanding of my job. Or even what a job is. I think I'm among a large percentage of Americans whose lives have been shaped from a very young age to think about what career we will have. Which, if you look within the scope of all of human history, is fairly unique.
As I've been a full-time stay-at-home mom (albeit part-time paid staff for our church), I've had to process what it means to do the work that I do, and to begin to reorient myself away from overvaluing work that makes money. I've had to let go of feeling useless when I don't bring in money for our family, or ashamed of how little money I've made in the past year (or five. or like all my years, really). I've never had a career; I've only had a full-time, salaried job for one year of my whole life, no joke.
If I'm being honest, I feel like that sounds like I'm pretty useless. Dare I use the word I'm tempted, and really say I feel worthless? Because yeah.
But today I feel the winds of the Spirit saying I need this to be fully uprooted and thrown into the fire. Glorifying God is my job. Full stop. Following Jesus IS my job. And it's also the very best thing I can do for my marriage and my family.
Oh for sure, we could use a bit more income. It would reduce some stress (hi homebuying I DON'T LIKE YOU). But I won't feel more peace by eliminating all the situational stress in my life (also bc that's not a thing that's possible). I need to drink from the well of living water, and be satisfied in the only person who has what my heart needs. THAT is my life's job.
I'm going to start my training period at work now.